Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Black is Black


Black is Black

I have beco
me uncomfortably un-numb.
The black oil spews into blue water
Making
a bruise in the place where
A huge meteor hit
Mama E about a zillion years ago
It is a sore place, indeed.

While people watch American Idol, cruise Facebook,
Go to graduation parties, and feast at holiday BBQs
My insides scream like a sick cat in her carrier on the way to the vet
Tears slide down behind my eyeballs and the inside of my skin
Like driving
rain rips at my windshield during a thick, dark thunderstorm

Sometimes I search for news
I can't seem to help it
I eat lies and the few facts that are bobbing to the surface
Both go down easy
until I think about them some more

I choke up with gritty guilt as I fill my gas tank up for the second time in two days

As the foul liquid snakes through the black hose, I dream up a solution . . .
A cotton swab with magic powers that will sop up the black
Just like the cottony puffs that take the dripping mascara off my salty face

Lord, clang the bell. Please, wake us up.
Is it possible the whole world hasn't dropped what it's doing
To stop-up the gash that so sinisterly
Sinks the smiling dolphin
And plucks the floating brown pelican from the sky?

If only blame could fill the hole from which the black sin spews. We'd be all right then, eh?
Where are you in this Lord?
I am looking for you, but my eyes are gouged out by sorrow. Perhaps yours are too?

Annie Quicksilver
5-25-10

Friday, May 14, 2010

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord

When there's nothing else that can be done, prayer fills the spaces that feel like they might swallow me whole.
When I came out of the numb, God brought richness and depth to replace the intensity I used to accept as "feeling."
In recent months, He's offered me friendships I'd not trade for the most perfect of diamonds, smiles that melt my frowns, long talks that linger like the coals of a campfire, sadness that sinks in deep and feels for a time and a little longer, laughter that echoes off the walls of the background of all the places I go, frustration that teaches me the utter beauty of patience, closeness that hurts less and less every day, honesty that isn't said but is demonstrated instead, equality with others that makes words flow back and forth like the tide, people who laugh with me when I even just look at them or say one word, people I really can depend upon and who really can depend upon me, people to get angry with and make-up with and still love each other despite our differences, imperfectness and global disasters that I must digest yet remain able to move on -- confident that He's in control.

It's been so, so, so good.

But this week, brought a blow to a friend that still lingers in my gut. A networking friend I met about 4 years ago, who I'd finally had a chance to have lunch with two weeks ago and celebrate her soon to be new, first child, lost her 34 year old husband in his sleep on Monday.

The numb beckons and I am having difficulty processing it all. I don't feel sorry for me, I ache for her and the families. Both worked for a non-profit that helps the poor and exploited here in Florida and had been on many mission trips to places outside the U.S. The richness of the joy and love in the photos of them posted on his memorial page is tangibly overwhelming never mind the of the circumstances.

How will she cope? How will she stop crying? How will it all work out? I hate when bad things happen to good people that have dedicated their lives to making the world a better place for ALL of us. And I am asking, "Why, God, WHY?????"

Please pray for Ashby and Spencer and their baby and their families. Please utter a word of mercy for her as you read this. Send love to her. And cherish all God's given you today and all you have lost but were blessed enough to experience for the time you were able to experience it, or them.

I noticed today that when I focus on my problems, I just miss all the blessings around me. I was so tired tonight, but went to The Bridge Youth Center to volunteer as I usually do. It was such a huge blessing. Hugs, conversations, new friends, kids smiling and laughing and showing their talents to each other in the talent show. It's a tiny spot in the universe. . . almost imperceptible in size relatively speaking...but it was a place that fed me tonight a meal that rejuvenated my soul and spirit.

Spencer was volunteering for the organization that his wife had taken a job with. They lived in a small trailer and lived happy and free in God's will for their lives. His smile, according to the pictures, is as big as they said at the memorial service. A happy, happy, happy man with a lovely, happy, happy, happy wife. Givers both. Special enough that I always remembered her after meeting her years ago during a Q&A mixer at the networking group we both attended.

I don't know why God called Spencer home at this time. It makes NO SENSE AT ALL from this side of eternity. But I for one, do not intend to let his passing be in vain. I never met him, only his wife. But his legacy's lit a fire in me and I pray that God will feed it and tend it and make it glow for His glory in the days, weeks, and years to come.

And we know that in all things, God works for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Annie Quicksilver
2-14-2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

All For The Best -- From Godspell

[Jesus]
When you feel sad, or under a curse
Your life is bad, your prospects are worse
Your wife is crying, sighing...
And your olive tree is dying,
Temples are graying, and teeth are decaying
And creditors weighing your purse...

Your mood and your robe
Are both a deep blue
You'd bet that Job
Had nothin' on you...

Ahhhhhhhh...Don't forget that when you go to
Heaven you'll be blessed..
Yes, it's all for the best...

[Judas]

Some men are born to live at ease, doing what they please,
Richer than the bees are in honey
Never growing old, never feeling cold
Pulling pots of gold from thin air

The best in every town, best at shaking down
Best at making mountains of money
They can't take it with them, but what do they care?

They get the center of the meat, cushions on the seat
Houses on the street where it's sunny..
Summers at the sea, winters warm and free
All of this and we get the rest...

But who is the land for? The sun and the sand for?
You guessed! It's all for the best...

[Both]

You must never be distressed

Yes, it's all for the....

All your wrongs will be redressed

Yes, it's all for the....

Someone's got to be oppressed!

Yes, it's all for the best!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ode to the Litterbox

Oh, Litter box
Your voice is heard through my nose
Dread surrounds your perimeter to

most all without fur and whiskers

You beckon them, but not I,
at least not until
the pine pellets
changed our relationship
,
and gravelly dust hit the road
You are softer and sweeter these days,
but there is no less dig, dig, dig


Do you feel ripped off that I feed the
kits such good food that they only leave
little brown cigar stubs in you?
Do you wish you were at a grocery store-fed
kitty's house so your mission in life were
more fulfilled?

Smooth plastic, small house of furry privacy
We meet every night, on each other we can count
You cost too much, but you are not evil
No, in fact, you are a chore I choose to do in love
for the little
feet that pounce and play 'round here all day.


Annie Quicksilver
5-10-2010

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Beary interesting . . .


I had to chase a package down this morning and ended up going way out of my way. Deciding I needed a bagel and iced coffee, I went to
Dunkin Donuts and decided to go home over the toll bridge for a change.

As I drove by the cemetery I looked right and thought I saw a bear climbing a tree...I decided to drive in and see if I was seeing correctly.

When I drove in the gates I was struck by the beauty of a mausoleum with life-sized colorful statues of a man dressed like a monk holding a baby, and a woman dressed an angel standing next to him on a raised covered stage of red granite...There was a heart that had their two initials in it saying they loved each other forever. He was already there, but not her. I thought how she must miss him as I drove to see the bear and take my walk.

There was a service or viewing going on in the chapel, but not too many cars. I parked my car after driving past several people placing bright bouquets on the graves of what I thought must be their mothers or grandmothers as this is Mother's Day weekend. I drove past a man in a suit talking to two people also dressed formally. As I drove by, I heard him say, "I'm a Polack, we love the Irish people..."

I parked beneath a shady tree and walked up to the sight I had come to investigate. Lo and behold I was right. There was this little bear carved in a real tree stump above the grave of a couple. I can't remember how long they have been buried there and unfortunately, this photo I took with my phone camera doesn't have enough white balance to show how cute the bear is or how much detail was put into the sculpture. Trust me, it's cute and very clever and I want to know the story behind it someday.

After taking a few pictures despite the uncooperative sun, I decided to spend some more time walking around that area of the cemetery. I'd been there about a year ago to the funeral of the father of a friend of mine. This time was a lot different. As a person who sells life insurance for a living, I was seeing the headstones with new eyes. What I saw certainly "bears" up what I tell people when I sit down with them to talk about what could happen. There were a few couples who died within a short time of one another, but not nearly as many who had spent a good 20 years without the other spouse. And departures were not always in later years.

The were people born same year as me that have been there since I graduated high school and others since I graduated college in the small space I walked...about an acre or 100 graves. Relatively speaking there were about five or six babies and a few young kids, some buried
next to or with their parents' plots. Several 30-40 somethings and a handful of people who had buried grown children before they died. And there were some long lived men who'd lost their wives 20 years before their number came up. If I could, I'd take some people I've met with on this short tour. Would that I could.

After walking around for a half hour my hair was starting to sizzle on top of my head and I decided it was time to go. Got in my car and thanked God for the lessons I'd just learned and for enormity of all the lives I'd just walked past.

As I drove to the gate down a different path, I passed a grave with a
SpongeBob balloon flying from it. While processing what that probably meant, I turned onto the road to the gate I'd entered through and I saw it -- The harbinger of one's final day "above ground" (for those who choose to be interred) -- the giant rolling green tent with two rows of pretty chairs draped in green velvet. It was positioned in front of that mausoleum with the monk and the angel. It was her in the chapel!! I felt sad, but also glad that she'd be joining him there any moment now, forever, indeed.

Annie Quicksilver
5-8-2010

Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm That Guy

Saw my friend Bill tonight. He was wearing a t-shirt with "I'm That Guy" emblazoned on it. He really is that guy too. Survived a 3 month battle with sepsis so bad that he was on every life support machine and probably even the vending machines at Tampa General for a LONG time a few years ago. In ICU for about 2 months, in step down for another month and finally discharged and sent home after 3 months.

He lost the sight in his right eye, but otherwise he was good to go. However, he needed a few follow up surgeries....Asking for prayer in a group before the last surgery, the leader of the prayer group asked for his name, when he said it a hush fell over the room...everyone whispered..."He's that guy......you're that guy we've all been praying for ...you're him!"

Seeing Bill was made all the more awesome this evening because he drove his Firebird to our church's BikeNight tonight. So not only was his resurrected body there, but his resurrected car project which I only saw in his garage like 6 years ago...at the time not much hope for seeing it running....ever. He said, "Did you see the Bird out in the parking lot?" I wasn't sure what he meant...then he explained he had the car there...it was running!!! I started jumping up and down with happiness.

When we went out and looked at the car, he talked about how he lost his job a few weeks ago and didn't blink. He knew God had it. And He did...Bill got a new job doing what he loves to do this past week.

Bill is "that guy" who gave me confidence to pray for people to heal, cuz his healing proved to me that prayer can bring someone all the way back. I have subsequently prayed earnesly for healing of another person destined only for death because of what happened with Bill. She is now home.

Bill gave me confidence to persevere in the scariest situations. My bank account threatened to go belly up last week after the mortgage payment, but I heard God say I didn't need to draw money out of the last bit of retirement money I haven't touched. And I had a wonderful week. I was 41 dollars from bouncing checks...but I trusted in God and got paide today and have enough until I get paid in two weeks, and I made all my bonuses ahead of schedule.

Bill's near death...well, let's just say...death to life experience changed my life and made my faith and prayer life so much stronger. His smile and his voice and his wife's strength and honesty about the whole thing to this day showed me in no uncertain terms how God works in the lives of real people and those who love them.

So glad I saw "that guy" and his beautiful black firebird tonight. Praise God!

Annie Quicksilver
5-7-10

Thursday, May 6, 2010

National Day of Prayer Prayers

Praying for the oil slick and everyone working to stop it from spreading.
Praying for no more guns.
Praying for less pain in my shoulders.
Praying for people who don't know the Lord.
Praying for people who know Him but don't trust and obey Him.
Praying I'll make it to work on time for a change.
Praying for everyone who works at or for the International Justice Mission.
Praying for everyone who has brought me aboard since September.
Praying for the people I work with every day that they would be safe.
Praying for peace and love that surpasses all understanding.
Praying for the sweet gal that cleans my office.
Praying for humility.
Praying for more patience.
Praying for my eyes.
Praying for people to work on their marriages.
Praying for healing for people in broken marriages.
Praying for a new, healthy, daily regimen.

Annie Quicksilver
5-6-10

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Sweet Root Beer-Flavored Recovery

While visiting a friend, he started to cough. He excused himself and grabbed a Root Beer Barrel candy. I said.."I like those things."

Next day I popped in for another visit. Wasn't there a few minutes when he plopped a Root Beer Barrel down in front of me, saying, "I should have given you this yesterday when you said you liked these. Kept me up last night that I didn't."

Immediately I felt a rush of gratitude. That little piece of candy tasted sweeter than sweet and oh so good when I popped it in my mouth when I pulled out of the driveway a little while later.

All I could think was how wonderful it is that God has brought into my life people who listen to me and hear what I say and seek to make good on what they hear. And how wonderful it is that I can accept a kind gesture like this and appreciate it fully. Praise the Lord for the balance in give and take that I'm enjoying lately.

Praise the Lord for sending people who offer me what I crave the most in life...my love language -- time and attentiveness. Lately I feel like someone who has a fat book of tickets for one hour massages at the best spas in the world. I've been spending quality time with wonderful people and we are being a blessing to each other. Even times when I wish I were somewhere else hours ago, he'll send someone along that I know He held me behind so I could meet them or pray with them or learn from them. I sort of know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be these days.

.....Today I realized that I'd missed an appointment I'd set up with someone in the morning yesterday. While the urge to send an e-mail apology was great, I did what I knew would be in God's will and called to apologize. He was gracious as could be and offered to meet again . . . in the afternoon! I was and wasn't surprised all at the same time. At another time in my life, I think I'd have expected a cross reply, and sort of thought I might get one, but he was so nice and it sort of still hurt to be forgiven for such a small thing. But I'm learning to accept others' forgiveness...so I think I'm getting more of it.

Truly, God's Will for my life is a place. It's a place where I've found my deepest prayers for my life answered. He is providing me things I've always tried harder than I could ever explain to you to provide for myself. Granted, I have to do things that often make no sense to me, or go against my gut instinct to get them, but when I do what I'm prompted to do, I lack for nothing. My bills are being paid almost against all odds, I've spent huge amounts of quality time with old friends and new ones in the past few months and reconnected with family members I had little to no relationship with and found bridges to people who inspired me in my youth through pretty amazing pathways. I feel more confident than ever and I let go and let God whenever I feel panicky or frustrated and he steps in immediately and calms my fears and worries and gives me words or shuts my mouth and even enables me to explain myself when I get words out too fast sometimes. He enables me to have real relationships with ups and downs that stay intact even when I disappoint someone or they disappoint me. Lots more work needs to be done there, but the improvement is breathtaking to me.

If you've ever seen a backwards movie or video, this is how it feels for me lately. It's like the broken pieces of a smashed to pieces mannequin that was me are floating back together and turning into a living, breathing person with a smile on her face and hope in her heart a lot of the time. Not all the time, but more and more of it.

Thank you Lord for providing me with people who have time for me and who have listened to me, talked to me and fed me and prayed for me lately. Thanks for making the changes in me that have enabled them into my life and enabled me to finally make a doorway for them. Please help me to be a blessing back to all of them and those who you have headed this way. I praise you for this work you've done in my life. Amen

Annie Quicksilver

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why I won't go back to TV....

I bet none of the reasons you are thinking are why I will NEVER go back to TV. I have many, but today is the best example of why I left it staring at me blankly in the living room. Someone I know personally was gunned down by his ex-wife early this morning at her house. There are not many details yet, but enough to make you think you could see a "re-enactment" of what happened on CSI or Law and Order soon enough.

I know far too many people who LOVE to watch the myriad of CRIME shows on TV. I watched my fair share of them, but when SVU hit the screen I called it quits. I felt sick watching that one and finally just got sick altogether of all of them. It was a show, but it wasn't. It was about stuff that's happening to real people, what's enjoyable about that? I just couldn't dig it any more.

I'll never forget sitting in a Perkins in Orlando, the area where this shooting took place and watching a Dad hold his three or four year old in his arms and giving him a plastic pistol to shoot at the bad guys in a video game in the waiting area of this family restaurant. The numbness was so thick you could have put syrup on it instead of a pancake.

It struck me then and still does every time I see kids and adults playing or watching violent video games of TV. . . . How did we get so numb? How did the people who fought WWII bring this to the playrooms of their kids and grand kids????

The ultimate irony perhaps was the murder of Time Warner CEO's son Jonathan Levin in 1997. Shot stabbed and tortured for his ATM card by some kids from the other side of the tracks that he'd tried to mentor. I could never get over that story....The CEO of Time Warner, purveyor of all kinds of violent entertainment and content got to experience the REAL pain of what it's like when it happens in the real world first hand.

This morning's shooting is reported to be a case of domestic violence. The wife is in custody for the shooting and then stabbing herself to make it look like self-defense. Sadly, I can relate to that one too. My best friend from college was murdered by her husband, an Iraqi guy who she met on a furlough from prison where he was doing time for murdering his ex-girlfriend and the boyfriend she took after leaving him. After killing them, he turned the gun on himself and shot himself just enough to become paralyzed from the waist down. Ironically, this all happened around the same time as the Dukakis campaign's Willie Horton debacle.

Anyway..my friend met him at this party and believed he was remorseful and ended up marrying him to help save him from being sent back to Iraq once his sentence was up, which I guess was close when she met him. She told me they would have just killed him upon his return.

He would have shot her, but she was already dead when he got to the hospital after running her car off the road when she left his house after breaking up with him...he had followed her in the car he had that was fitted for him to drive. He arrived at the hospital with a gun in his hand in case he'd not accomplished his goal.

My own numerous experiences with domestic violence reared their ugly head today too and had me off kilter since the news was delivered to me and friends. Others said, "This just doesn't happen to people you know"...I had to beg to differ. . . and added that it's happening all around all of us everyday.

If you know a woman or a man that is in a situation that is way to intense emotionally, physically or violently, take it seriously. This, according to Robin Norwood, author of the BEST book ever on the subject, Women Who Love Too Much, is a progressive situation and it will eventually lead to the death of those involved if they don't figure out what's keeping them in such unhealthy situations.

Are they bad people? Having been there, I say no. People involved in relationships fraught with domestic violence simply hate themselves so much that they take it out on others who they are able to draw close to and invite, albeit subconsciously, others to take it out on them. "It" that I refer to here is anger/rage and bottomless shame and utter loathing. It's hard to believe that people can be suffering in this stuff and you may never, ever know it. Or, you may think it's all the "other" person's fault. I say it's not. Sadly, in truth it's a system.

Just to be clear, I know nothing about this person who was killed except his name and what he looked like and what his voice sounded like. We were not friends. I'm not saying that I know any of this to be true about him specifically. But speak from my own experience and that of others I've been near in this situation.

Bottom line, if you need help or know someone that does, man or woman,...read that book, call the local domestic violence shelter and pray for them. And remember, you can't change them or make them well. They will have to choose that themselves. If you are spared this anguish in your own relationships, be grateful and work hard to make your relationships as honest and loving as you can. Get help at the FIRST sign of inappropriate behavior. Denial leads, ultimately, to death.

Annie Quicksilver
5-4-2010

Monday, May 3, 2010

I can't believe BP doesn't have a plan in place...

Believe it...selfishness and poor planning for this day are exacting catastrophic consequences....make that world changing consequences. Since I was a little girl of 10 years old, people have been ASKING over and over again for this country to think of and develop things other than oil to power our cars and heat our homes. Those who chose NOT to rock the boat and those who elected them and those who did not join the clamor for change all have this to live with now. . . including me and you.
It's a pity this has happened, but it was inevitable. And just like hurricane charly, everyone's known all along this was coming, but chose to ignore it. Sadly, this is not BP's fault, the blame lies upon all of our shoulders and so do the consequences...
DRILL BABY DRILL!!!! those words that got so many people cheering and smiling only made me wince in fear...If only the people who clamor for such things would get the least bit informed of the risks and potential for the OTHER side of the coin to manifest. But no.....
And here's some food for thought...I'm sure there are other rigs out there right now that could do the same thing. With all the earthquakes the shifting plates are quite possibly shifting pockets of gas around. So, I'd sadly have to say, be ready for more, not less of this to come.
We the human race have shown nothing but disdain and selfishness towards the earth, at least in my lifetime. Why does anyone expect not to suffer anything but completely devastating consequences for our actions. Will the earth just keep taking our abuse and smile back at us? I think not.
And there's no need to blame either party or blame at all... this is done. What can we do to avoid the next set of consequences? If at all?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Watching Pale Male with New Friends

Does it always have to be sad?
Can't it be happy sometimes...
you know, once in a while,
like eating a small peppermint ice cream cone
with the candy canes smashed up in it with my dad

Could it tuck me in bed and sing me a song-a-bye

about Piglet and Star-Belly Sneetches that
finally figure out how to get along

Could it reach out and grab the new phone book
and make me close my eyes and pick a name,
ring them up and try to make a friend of
whoever's at the other end?

Did looking back 14 years ago today make it
any more clear how a bird on a building got
me looking up and nesting in a place
that I was once afraid to even step foot in?

As I watched the story unfold for the maybe the 50th time
and lip-synched the lines of people who shall remain as
much a part of me as my pupils, the German pancakes were yet to come.
Who could imagine, that butter could taste so much like peppermint?

Annie Quicksilver
5/2/2010


Saturday, May 1, 2010

The oily bird gets nada

Her feathers, white down a second ago
slick with black musk and car shop smell now
feet sticking to the mud, new water
smell sinking up her nose and into my gas tank

Somehow, the tree huggers cried out loud to the sky
the gurgling hole bubbling over with black gold
drowning out their voices
without the help of government and corporate helicopters
buzzing back and forth, busy with busy-ness

Rough seas bouncing yellow booms in jest
laughing at the people in the choppers
as they lay their heads down and try to sleep
knowing what their yes men helped them ignore
for so long

Blessings come in oily packages shaped like
the Exxon Valdez, but no one wants to open them up
the stink and the guilt penetrate through walls and consciences
like the smell of nail polish remover on a fluffy white cotton ball

I fill up my tank and think $2.85 is a lot for a gallon of fluid
that I will use to scoot myself around town for the next few days
tears drop onto my hand holding the nozzle as the actual cost
flys through my mind like a Baby Brown Pelican covered in
thick, black crude.

A prayer drips from my lips for us. Wakey, wakey. It's time to wake up.
I say as millions of hands slap the snooze button instead.

Annie Quicksilver
5/1/2010